Over 40.3 million Americans have a substance use disorder. That means that one in five of us has a relative who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Almost everyone knows someone with a drug or alcohol use problem. And, if that person is close enough to impact your life, saying no and setting good boundaries with them will be an important part of maintaining your own mental health.
That’s even more important when you’re living with your loved one. Often, drug and alcohol abuse change how people prioritize everything from rent to emotional needs. You might find yourself having to say no to things like lending money, letting strangers use on your couch, or take on responsibilities like cooking and cleaning or even lying to their friends and family. Helping them will mean saying no.
How do you do that?
Staying Safe
It’s important to keep in mind that not everyone will respond rationally to being told no. If your loved one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they may be experiencing mood swings and anger. If they’re drunk or high when you talk to them, they might even lash out. It’s important that you assess your situation and take steps to stay safe. Sometimes the best reaction in an unsafe situation is to say no by removing yourself from the situation.
If you feel that it’s safe to say no and to create friction with your loved one, you can use the following information.
What Are You Saying No To?
In most cases, saying no is about keeping yourself or your loved one safe. That means avoiding enabling behavior, avoiding being put into situations you don’t want to be in, and not allowing someone to manipulate or bully you.
Enabling Behavior – Enabling behavior happens when you do something that enables your loved one to continue using drugs or alcohol. To an extent, it’s impossible to avoid this behavior while still caring for your loved one. That’s where “tough love” the phenomenon of kicking your loved one out and letting them hit “rock bottom” comes from. That tactic doesn’t work, it just puts people in more danger. But, at its heart is a kernel of truth. Caring for people makes it very easy to allow them to continue using. For example, if you’re doing their share of the choices, lying to their boss, covering their portion of the rent, working overtime, etc.
Avoiding this kind of behavior means assessing what it is you’re doing to begin with. For example, if you’re paying your child’s rent, it’s fairly easy to see what you’re doing. But, if you’re living with a spouse, it’s much harder to see direct “no’s” that will lessen how much you enable them without also harming yourself and your living situation.
Avoiding Manipulation – No one likes to be manipulated but addicts are extremely good at it and rarely notice they’re doing it. If every conversation turns into things you did wrong, if you constantly find your words turned around against you, or if you’re constantly realizing you’ve been lied to the truth has been twisted, you’re likely being manipulated. Learning how to say no, no matter what your loved one says, takes time. Likely they will try to use guilt, emotional blackmail, or other tactics to get their way. Learning to say no will take you out of that situation so you don’t have to deal with it.
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Saying No With a Goal
It’s important that if you say no, you say no for a reason. That means understanding what those reasons are and exactly why you don’t want to do the thing. Being able to defend your motivation during the argument will also help you to avoid emotional manipulation and blackmail.
For example:
- “I won’t pay for you hurting yourself, I can help you financially with rehab but I can’t give you money now”.
- “I know you need rent money but I’m afraid it will allow you to keep drinking, can we agree that if I pay rent, you go to rehab?”
- “If I help you, I won’t have energy for things I have to do, and I’m already stressed, you need to do this yourself”.
Goals can be as simple as that you need something for yourself. They can be as complicated as worrying about long-term ramifications. It’s still important to avoid tough love. You likely don’t ever want your loved one to think that you will throw them out if they don’t do the thing you want. Instead, you want them to think they can rely on you for help – just not for funding their addiction.
That can mean deliberately stepping back and setting boundaries around what you will and will not do. Going “I will listen to you and be nonjudgmental but I won’t hand you money” is one step. At the same time, you’ll also likely have to say no by setting expectations for them that work. For example, by refusing to invest in them. E.g., if you are frequently find yourself staying up late waiting for them to get home, you can start saying no by refusing to do so.
Saying No in a Healthy Way
Saying no can be difficult, even for people who are good at communication. It can feel like letting the other person down. They may use emotional manipulation to heighten that experience. They may get angry and lash out. And, you might get angry back. Learning how to manage your emotions, expecting emotional backlash, and being prepared for it is important.
- If you say no, stick to it. If you aren’t sure at the start of the conversation, say that. Using no when you mean no and then not budging will set up a pattern where when you say no, it’s just accepted.
- Stay calm, even if your loved one is angry or upset. If they are too upset, withdraw from the conversation.
- Be prepared for emotional manipulation and feeling guilty. That’s a normal part of saying no to someone who doesn’t have emotional regulation, and most addicts do not.
- Stay polite. If you can keep saying “I’m sorry but no”, or “I’d like to if things were different, but no”, you can avoid some escalation into argument.
It’s unlikely you will be healthy about saying no every time you do. It’s also unlikely that your loved one will respond well every time. However, with practice, you can improve your response and get better at saying no.
Saying no is an important part of avoiding enabling behavior. However, it’s likely also important for your mental health, for your energy levels, and for your having time to yourself. People with addictions can be demanding, can simply not realize they’re over stressing you, and may even think that things are easy for you because you do them. Learning to say no, to set healthy boundaries for yourself, and to stick to those boundaries is an important part of staying healthy.
If you or a loved one would like more information about drug rehab, alcohol rehab, dual diagnosis rehab, or detox please contact us to speak in complete confidence with one of our experienced treatment advisors today.
